Thursday 27 February 2014

Margaret Thatcher Night: A Modest Proposal

Apparently the Piss on the Peasants wing of the Tory Party are still trying to get August Bank Holiday turned into 'Margaret Thatcher Day', with the Second Reading of the Margaret Thatcher Day Bill due in the Commons on Friday. When I heard about this I was obviously horrified that even the most outrageous Tory couldn't recognise how utterly divisive this would be; though of course division, protest and repression could be exactly what they had in mind. However on reflection I begin to wonder if a compromise solution is possible. And so, phrased as a speech to the House for the convenience of any Tory MP who may wish to take it forwards, a modest proposal:

Mr Speaker, Honourable Members, preserving the memory of the deeds of our noble former leader, She Who Must Be Obsequised, has been much on my mind and I believe I have discerned a compromise proposal that will surely draw the support of both sides of the House, and indeed of the electorate country wide. August Bank Holiday is something of a non-entity, with nothing going for it but occasionally good weather and traffic jams on the routes to the seaside. One of our favourite national holidays, on the other hand, takes place in the cold of winter, puts children at risk, and has a historical basis which is increasingly poorly understood, and unfortunately combined with a basis in clear religious discrimination. In fact all that and it doesn't even have a Bank Holiday to call its own.

I therefore propose that we move Bonfire Night from 5th November to contemporaneous with the August Bank Holiday and rename the combination of the two as Margaret Thatcher Night, replacing the increasingly obscure Guy Fawkes with our noble and far more contemporary Baroness Thatcher. This would have the following advantages:

Increased Historical Relevance: With the Glorious Leaderene only a year dead, her resonance to the youth of today will surely be much stronger.

Uniting the Regions: Celebrating the Divine Margaret with a fiery pyre to remind us of the radiance of her reign will surely unite both North and South.

A Contemporary Icon: Guy Fawkes has sadly had his day, with little understanding remaining of his role and purpose, the inspirational Margaret, however, is a figure of clear relevance to our austerity-bound society and the Guy may therefore be usefully replaced with a symbol of our modern age. No doubt the Hoi Polloi will insist on the lese majeste of christening her the Maggie, but we can expect no better.

Increased Child Safety: Dark November evenings obviously bring risks for grubby little urchins engaged in collecting for 'Penny for the Guy', moving this to the light Summer nights will clearly provide greater opportunity for monetisation of the divine effigy, a thought that should surely bring a tear to all our eyes. Unfortunately 'a pound to piss on the Maggie' is probably inevitable in the bleak wastelands of the North, but we can console ourselves that urchins of such a nature are unlikely to be of use to the party, nor its natural supporters, and the practise in begging should stand them in good stead for when dear Iain has completed Margaret's most closely held desire, the demolition of the Welfare State.

Bettering Our Faux Green Credentials: Moving Bonfire Night to the Summer should reduce the instances of smoke-induced smogs and fogs, not to mention unfortunate instances involving that jerrycan of petrol the Honourable Member for Horsham advised us all to keep in our garages, as dry wood will be both easier to light and burn more cleanly. Indeed for optimum efficiency the bonfire could be dual-roled as a barbecue.

Removal of Unfortunate Historical Religious Resonances: The new Catholic Cardinal is not as strongly bound to our campaign of welfare reform as we would reasonably expect of him - I mean dear Iain even professes to be Catholic, for God's Sake, what more can the man want? Historically Guy Fawkes Night has served as a reminder of the dangers these damned Catholics... has served to perpetuate unfortunate religious stereotyping, and therefore replacing that bloody Catholic with a unifying figure such as Margaret can only be for the good (The Honourable Member for Lewes may disagree, but he's a LibDem and sees conspiracy theories everywhere, so what does it matter if his constituency loses its one tourist attraction).

Improved traffic flow: with the Hoi Polloi likely to stay at home in order to participate in local celebrations of Margaret, this will leave the motorways uncongested and ease Members of both Houses in commuting between shooting parties at their tax-payer funded country estates and their tax-payer funded Central London townhouses.

I therefore commend this measure to the House.

And in order to retain the links to the traditions of Bonfire Night, we can all wear our stylised Guy Fawkes masks, in memory of V for Vendetta and the Bonfire Night to end all Bonfire Nights ;)

That doesn't seem unreasonable, does it?

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